Don Know What To Do

Dear Auntie Belle,

I was chatting up a hottie on Facebook when my GF friended me and I had to block the hottie. In response, she sent me this letter. Does it mean I still have a chance?

           Don Know What To Do

Enclosed letter from Hottie:

Oh Don,
At first, I was discouraging your interest in me, but you wanted to chat anyway, and the volcano started to puff a little smoke… You are so handsome and charming, so pleasant, so smart and talented. I can only imagine what being with you is like.

We found a lot of common interests in our brief conversations; the ground rumbled, and a bit of lava escaped. You found my 'on' switch, Don - a device which was put out of commission almost 13 long years ago. Low and behold, the battery still worked, and my mind went to…squirrels water-skiing, babies skateboarding, beluga whales keeping perfect time with Mariachi bands…and the hundreds of thousands of articles I've read over my years of solitude and celibacy. The ground rumbled harder, the volcano belched cinders, and the villagers ran screaming for their lives.
Ironically, I lost my innocence over those years, learned things on the net about which you can only imagine. I even learned there were...secret ways a man loves being pleased. 'Well, I'll be darned,' I thought. I had no idea. When I started entertaining thoughts of…being with a man again, of being with you, I wondered if I could...try that with you? All I had to do was shop for the range of sizes - you know - small, medium, large and Oh, Mama! More lava. Thatched roof just went up in flames. My heart is racing just thinking about it, and seeing the look of ecstasy on your face. Oh, Don! It's just been so long. I already asked my sis-in-law to babysit for a few days, so we'll be alone. My bed's a king, so we have plenty of playground. Do you like a little bondage, too? My toys are a bit rusty, but with some antibiotics, for you, I'm game for anything. It's like I've been withering in the cold, stark cell of a nunnery.

Your big, manly arms look like I would make such a nice fit inside them. I imagine your lips teasing mine, caressing my neck... Dear God, in Heaven - why are we designed this way? That volcano is about to obliterate the island, and you aren't even here to enjoy it. 

Wait! Why would you block me? I just wanted to look at you and imagine…? Oh, Don! WHY? 

What sort of women have you dated, anyway? Some Kathy/Sharon/Judy/that waitress in that one café/Marilyn/Janet/Evelyn/etc., etc., etc?

The volcano just went dormant, the villagers are saved, the island restored to normal.

Oh, don't be too disappointed; I'm not as easy as I've led you to believe. Sometimes my sense of humor is outrageous.  I really do think you are a nice man, but I recognize that you are a player. This may have been the most ridiculous rejection letter you've ever gotten, but it's unlikely the first. (Nor will it be the last, at the rate you're traveling.)

I wish you well, Don, but don't bother unblocking me. I don't think it's wise for us to even be friends; it could lead to all that…volcanic stuff, and we have to think of those poor villagers.

PS: Nice Valentine pic of you & Cindy. How DO you keep your pants from bursting into flame?  (I won't tell her a thing, so if you're tempted to keep this letter for the excitement value? I'd advise you to just delete before she finds it.) I should have included clichéd words like 'throbbing' or 'warm, wet, silky sheath' but I was laughing too hard while trying to write all that pornography. The first draft was way hotter, but I remembered I still have some class.

Ciao, - Your Hottie -

 

Dear Don,

A lever and a fulcrum can move mountains, but there's not a crow bar in existence that's gonna pry that…volcano open again. The virgin is a crisp. The volcano has turned into Mount Never-Gonna-Be. Oh, I am being too cryptic for you?

Don, so my advice is for you to call Hottie. Yes, Don; call her. Let me know what she says - I care.

Auntie Belle

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Baby E. T.