Uncorked in Coon Rapids

Dear Auntie Belle,

I am a very large man, with many layers of beautiful, rolling fat that covers my entire body.
Anyway, listen. Yesterday I had to have an MRI done on my head, neck, back, and shoulders. This meant that I had to spend 3 plus hours in a tube that magnetically x-rays these areas.
 

I love to eat, and I knew I wouldn't be able to go that long without some food so I loaded up at the Chinese buffet before I went in.
 

So I get there, and I strip down and they put me in a giant gown before they slide me in the tube. I think this was actually a bed sheet, but whatever.
 

Then, they tie this sheet tight around me, lay me down on my back on this platform, fidget with some crap for a while, then the platform starts to move me in into the tube, head first. It was like trying to stuff a wine cork all the way back into the bottle. So, they stuff me in. They tell me not to move. For the next 3 hours, I am in this coffin. Problem is, I am squeezed in so tight, it gives me gas. A lot of gas. I must have farted over 100 times in those 3 hours. But I couldn't figure out why I couldn't smell anything. Was the gas trapped in my robe/sheet? Was it going out the other end? I didn't find out until it was finally over and they started to slide the platform back out. That's when all hell broke loose.
 

I heard a loud boom, like thunder, and then a lot of screaming. Apparently, the gas had been trapped between my ass cheeks and my 2nd or 3rd fat roll on my stomach, and was steadily building pressure; maybe due to the strong magnetic fields "charging" it until the platform was moved out of the tube and it all broke free.
 

The aftermath was horrible. Two nurses, a medical assistant, and a radiologist all died instantly when the fumes crushed their faces. Three patients in a holding area were asphyxiated and remain in critical condition. Besides the human damages, there were thousands of dollars in other damages due to the blast.
 

So now. My question to you, is: Can those assholes hold me liable for these deaths and damages?

Signed,

Uncorked in Coon Rapids

Dear Uncorked,
The bastards should have anticipated those events  - I mean almost everyone farts, right? Sue! Sue them for every cent they have! You are the victim - not all those other..vic…people. Piss on them!
I once had a very large gentleman friend. Your story brought back fond memories of rolling… Your story brought back fond memories. He joined Weight Watchers - another dastardly cult - and is now too puny for my tastes. (Are you married, btw?)

Auntie Belle

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Indisposed in Indiana