Dear Auntie Belle,
Last month I accidentally lit my asshole on fire in a freak accident involving paint thinner, a book of matches, and my youngest child's birthday party. Long story short, I promised the kids a fireworks display but couldn't afford the good stuff and I had already eaten 3 bratwursts and nearly a quart of pork n' beans.
Will I ever poop normally again?
Dear Will,
It depends upon whether you were referring to your anus or that neighbor about whom you continuously complain? Exactly which was set aflame? I do have an antidote that would work for either, I guess. It is somewhat involved and requires you shear the pigtail off an elderly Chinese man. Meanwhile, drink grape Kool-Aid in vast quantities. It isn't lethal but will counteract the abuse you enjoy visiting upon your colon.
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Shooting clay pigeons and drinking Old Crow at 140+ years, born in backwoods Buckshot County, KY, raising hell & great-grand-chilluns before we were born. With a small column in a paper in Lake Sprang, WY, she came to notoriety when her mail was sent to the White House by mistake. The administration could not answer these hapless people’s questions, so they sent them back to her. Flirty, intelligent, annoyingly candid; read her once and you won’t get her out of your mind. Here's Belle!
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Will I Ever
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