Dear Auntie Belle,
Btw, were you in a bar in Singapore in March of '79? There was a brawl over a pool game? I just recall one dude was wearing little red, curly-toed shoes. Called himself 'Jorge' back then. So you lost my phone number? Really?
I understand many Catholics are shocked and outraged by my recent revelations. Yes, it's true---when I was a young priest back in Argentina, I reached into an open casket and pried the rosary from a fellow priest's cold, lifeless hand. Listen, I know that sounds bad, but in my defense, I only had to use a LITTLE force; it's not like he had it in a death-grip, or anything.
Look, I'm a human being, no different than you. I put on my robe one sleeve at a time---just like everyone else (unless I'm in a hurry). It's important that folks don't put me on a pedestal. I want to be seen as a regular Joe. You didn't see Jesus going around acting all high and mighty and dammit, I won't either!
Okay, stealing the rosary was bad, I'll admit, but Hell, I've done a lot worse. I've swiped all sorts of stuff: jewel-encrusted chalices, candlesticks---I've even stolen a few cars!
Man, it feels good to get this off my chest! I probably should've confessed all this to someone YEARS ago!!! Let's see... what else? Oh yeah---I pushed an old lady down and snatched her purse two days after completing Divinity School. Don't be alarmed!---she wasn't hurt... And I barely got away with enough for a six-pack of Michelob and a tin of cigarettes. A pretty measly haul, I think you'll agree!Look, I'm a human being, no different than you. I put on my robe one sleeve at a time---just like everyone else (unless I'm in a hurry). It's important that folks don't put me on a pedestal. I want to be seen as a regular Joe. You didn't see Jesus going around acting all high and mighty and dammit, I won't either!
Okay, stealing the rosary was bad, I'll admit, but Hell, I've done a lot worse. I've swiped all sorts of stuff: jewel-encrusted chalices, candlesticks---I've even stolen a few cars!
Things improved for me a bit later. I realized I could sew enormous, hidden pockets inside my frock, enabling me to pilfer just about anything I wanted. I once used this method to conceal ten DVDs, a bong, and a rolled-up poster of Jimi Hendrix---I strolled right out of a shop---no one noticed a damn thing!
Look, I don't have to steal anymore---I finally have enough. Please don't worry about any of the Vatican treasures by which I find myself surrounded. I'm not even tempted... Besides, half this stuff could go missing tomorrow and I doubt any one would even notice...
Signed,
Look, I don't have to steal anymore---I finally have enough. Please don't worry about any of the Vatican treasures by which I find myself surrounded. I'm not even tempted... Besides, half this stuff could go missing tomorrow and I doubt any one would even notice...
Signed,
Pope Francis
(for life, chumps)
(for life, chumps)
Dear Pope Francis,
Now we know why that smoke looked more grey than white. It also explains why you were a no-show at Gandhi's funeral - he was wearing nothing but a diaper.
Btw, were you in a bar in Singapore in March of '79? There was a brawl over a pool game? I just recall one dude was wearing little red, curly-toed shoes. Called himself 'Jorge' back then. So you lost my phone number? Really?
When he announced that he wanted to be called Francis, the conclave demanded a cavity search because they thought he meant he was a drug mule.
ReplyDeleteFor those too young to remember, Francis the Mule was a movie star.