Dear Auntie Belle,
Please don't encourage my son in his nonsense. We were watching the Oscars the other night (which were boring as hell,) when that 300 pound director won for "12 Years A Slave" and started jumping up and down, making my son think he would fall through a hole in the floor. So he thinks about sweat, slaves, hard work and a hole in the floor right in front of our television set. And Ellen DeGeneres' hair was the weave that kept unravelling all night.
.JPG)
We even have the hatch in the house it's just not in the floor. Oh and if anybody is "carrying a torch" for you Auntie, its got my son's name on it.
Dear TV Mom,
Then those really were kiss prints all over his letter? Egads, I have to start gloving & gowning up just to answer the freaking mail. About the Oscars, my heart nearly stopped when I heard them announce 'Steve McQueen'. I was pretty sure I'd been to his funeral, but that one didn't look one bit like 'The Great Escape' Steve McQueen; he wasn't even the right color.
But I digress… Your son is not right; elevator doesn't go all the way to the top; he's three sailors short of a shipload; his pasta isn't sticking to the wall; he's an idiot and should be placed in a special home. There's no rule that says you have to love him just because you birthed him. Keep that in mind when you're tired of washing his stiffened socks (he's named them, you understand). If there's one he calls 'Belle' I will personally hunt him down and hurt him; I only amuse myself with such cretins in my column; I have no tolerance for them in real life.
By the way, Ted Bundy and John Wayne Gacy started out the same way, so don't allow guilt to temper your decision. Think of all the lives you'll save.
Please don't encourage my son in his nonsense. We were watching the Oscars the other night (which were boring as hell,) when that 300 pound director won for "12 Years A Slave" and started jumping up and down, making my son think he would fall through a hole in the floor. So he thinks about sweat, slaves, hard work and a hole in the floor right in front of our television set. And Ellen DeGeneres' hair was the weave that kept unravelling all night.
"TV Mom" in Purgatory, Maine
Dear TV Mom,
Then those really were kiss prints all over his letter? Egads, I have to start gloving & gowning up just to answer the freaking mail. About the Oscars, my heart nearly stopped when I heard them announce 'Steve McQueen'. I was pretty sure I'd been to his funeral, but that one didn't look one bit like 'The Great Escape' Steve McQueen; he wasn't even the right color.
But I digress… Your son is not right; elevator doesn't go all the way to the top; he's three sailors short of a shipload; his pasta isn't sticking to the wall; he's an idiot and should be placed in a special home. There's no rule that says you have to love him just because you birthed him. Keep that in mind when you're tired of washing his stiffened socks (he's named them, you understand). If there's one he calls 'Belle' I will personally hunt him down and hurt him; I only amuse myself with such cretins in my column; I have no tolerance for them in real life.
By the way, Ted Bundy and John Wayne Gacy started out the same way, so don't allow guilt to temper your decision. Think of all the lives you'll save.
No comments:
Post a Comment